Hey Sparta, Persia just called you a ...

Caution: spoilers ahead

I'd have to say I really enjoyed Frank Miller's 300. A fictionalized version of the Battle of Thermopylae, this movie provides lots of good ol' fashioned fightin' and killin'. If you like that, then this movie is for you. Just don't make the mistake my sister made by getting too attached to "the 300." (Shhh, they don't make it. Sorry to ruin it for you.) But like I said, it's good. It's Sin City meets Gladiator. However it's not the first movie to tackle this subject matter. The theme: brave and noble Spartans defend democracy & liberty for all of Greece and mankind.

I do love how the Spartans were so noble and concerned with protecting the cause of liberty, it was inspiring. They believed in all kinds of liberty, like pederasty. The also believed in reproductive liberty, as they had their own system of abortion, only they waited until after the child is born. Darwinism in action, kill the lesser babies, let the surviving children take their chances with ravenous wolves - only the strong, baby! Noble people, just trying to advance the human race, that's all. The Nazis thought they were advancing the human race, too. My point: don't let them get you to romanticize Sparta too much.

The truth of the matter is that the Spartans just plain loved to kick ace and take names (whilst sporting a cape & some underoos). That's right, Persia! We came here to practice democracy and whoop some ace - looks like we're almost out of democracy... The Spartans were like the crazy loose cannon of Greek city-states - like that one guy in your fraternity that always got in a fight. You always knew that no matter what, if he went out with the rest of you, he was going to find him self in some sh-, er, um, some stuff, even if it was going to be with someone at your table. Everybody was unsure of what he was gonna do, and no one wanted to man up to him, so everyone just catered to his incessant yelling and demanding - tell him, "Yeah, you're right, that bouncer's scared, man, I agree...No, I hear you, yeah I know you can fight, that's right, we got your back, dude, you're the man," until he's drunk enough so you can talk him into taking a cab.

But, no matter how annoying he was to deal with, with all the drama and whatnot, when it came down to it, you were glad he was on your side, because he could, in fact, take care of business. That's the way the rest of the city-states felt. They didn't like dealing with Sparta, because they all knew they certainly couldn't tell them what to do, so they were all like "Yeah, Sparta, you're the man, Sparta...let's go talk to some ladies, we can fight tomorrow, yes, I know, we're gonna tear 'em up..."

But as soon as Xerxes comes to town, you'd better believe they're all like "Hey Sparta - Persia just called you gay!" Then Sparta slams his pool cue and shatters the big mirror behind the bar and it is on...

But getting back to the movie, it was very well done. Good battle scenes and very good CG visuals. Superb performances by the cast. Faramir was a good narrator. Xerxes looked like that dude from The Crying Game on steroids. Be wary of the guitarist from Steel Dragon.

The cast might make you a little self-conscious, as I heard my friend remark with an apprehensive grimace - only five minutes in to the film, "I need to go work out." I probably should also mention that this might not be the best one for mixed company, definitely a guy flick. It might be a little dicy, as the filmmakers wanted to be historically accurate, so the king had to roam his palatial balcony au naturel. At least Leonidas had his beard to keep him warm. Also it might get a little awkward when you see Gorgo's goods in a ten-second scene of some royal consummating. Probably not one for a first date. Might want to wait until one of those Neat Flicks video companies can provide an edited-for-the-family version...

I think that the lesson we should all take away from this film is the one "the 300" learned all too late: if a deformed baby (who makes John Merrick look like Brad Pitt) that was not discarded on the slopes of Mount Taygetos, grows up and comes back to you all retard-strong and wants to help, let him.

But after it was over, I was pretty amped, I had the urge to do some fightin' and killin', just like after watching Tombstone or Boyz 'n the Hood or Steel Magnolias. Definitely the mark of a good movie, two thumbs up.