Holiday Lament

You know, the holiday season gets on my nerves. I love Christmas and Hanukkah, but I prefer to wait until at least after Thanksgiving to celebrate them. But this year, as soon as Halloween was over - bam! Wal-Mart is jam-packed with those tacky inflatable blow up yard decoration thingy's. No lie - I was in Wal-Mart on November 11 and what do I hear? Karen Carpenter crooning out either "The Christmas Song" or "Merry Christmas, Darling." On November 11!!! Nothing makes my skin crawl like hearing Karen make that "oo" sound when she belts out the line "...from one tew ninety-tew..."

But that's how it usually goes, something like that (or TBS playing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation four times a week starting after Veteran's Day) gets me hacked and it's really hard to get in the mood for Christmas. And by the time it's proper (in my estimation) to begin the Xmas festivities, we're (or at least I'm) kinda burned out. But then Christmas finally arrives, and then, like Keyser Söze - whew! It's gone.

The feeling of brevity doesn't really hit me until the decorations start going down. In particular, I will miss the storefront window painting at places like grocery stores. You know what I'm talking about, that green, red & white shoe-polish-type-paint used to say "Season's Greetings" in cursive and to make little leaves of holly. In the drive-thru at Milo's today, I found myself admiring the perfect cursive and the very good holly drawn (or stenciled) on the window. Then I quasi-sighed at the thought: "that'll be taken off tomorrow."

Regions Center in November 2005.
Photo from balaji shankar's flickr set.
Licensed under Creative Commons,
some rights reserved.

But the thing I really lament is when the special lighting on the First National building is taken down.

"During the Christmas season colored fluorescent bulbs are illuminated in each panel of the glass curtain wall, creating an enormous lit graphical display visible on the skyline from well outside the city.

The tradition began in 1972 with the display featuring Christmas trees and NOEL being spelled out along the building facade. In 1975, NOEL was replaced with JOY. Later a stocking and wreath were added to the display giving each face a different design. Currently, the east and west sides are Christmas trees, the south a wreath, and the north a stocking."

The building has had other lighting displays too, including the Olympic rings for the 1996 games, and American flags for the Bicentennial in '76 and the return of our troops from Operation Desert Storm in the early 90's. (from B'hamWiki)

So NYC's Rockefeller Center has a tree, big deal. We have our Regions Center. I've always been a fan, Downtown wouldn't be Downtown without it (I felt the same way about the green/red light on Vulcan's torch, too *sigh*). I think that they should do something with the lights more often than just Christmas (power bills & energy crisis be darned). But for now, I will try to enjoy these last remaining hours I have with the Christmas display. See you next year, Regions Center.

Regions Center in December 2006.
Photo by Dystopos. Licensed under Creative Commons, some rights reserved.

Help us Tony Dungy

Browns fans' signage at the Dec. 30 game against San Francisco, which they won 20-7. A Tennessee loss to the Indianapolis Colts would've gotten the Browns a playoff spot. The Titans beat the Colts' back up players 16-10, but still, total nerd kudos to you, Dawgpound...

The Toy You Didn't Have

I just want to take a minute and share with you a little about this book my sister gave me for Christmas. It's not your ordinary stocking-stuffer trivia book, the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader or the Jeff Foxworthy Redneck Christmas book. This is way better. It's called Just Can't Get Enough: Toys, Games, and Other Stuff From the 80's That Rocked.

Notice the cover? That's right, it's a Trapper Keeper with scratch & sniff stickers.

If you grew up in the 1980's, this is a great walk down memory lane. Authors Matthew Robinson and Jensen Karp have eerily captured all the feelings and memories I have (which apparently are universal to children of the 80's). This read is hilarious and it will make you want to break out your Ewok Village from your parents' attic.

No matter what impression
the box gives, the Flagg
did not come with any
Skystriker F-14's.

To better explain exactly how awesome this book is, I'm going to share with you an excerpt from a section of the book on the G.I. Joe playset, the U.S.S. Flagg. Remember the Flagg? Before reading any lines in the book, I saw the picture in the book and showed it to my dad. He asked what it was and I explained to him that it was like a rumor, that growing up, we only heard of kids that had it - you know, someone knew someone that went to someone's house and played with one once.

Then I read the book, and my experience was revealed to be universal - the section is entitled: "U.S.S. Flagg - The Myth. The Legend. The Toy You Didn't Have."

The U.S.S. Flagg G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier was, without a doubt, the holy grail of 1980's toys. For its time, the U.S.S. Flagg was the biggest, most expensive, most extravagant toy imaginable. No one had this thing. It was something you heard about in hushed whispers on the playground, something spoken about in cafeteria backroom huddles. Even a picture of this thing was a valuable item - it was proof it existed.

Just like the Jessica Rabbit crotch shot in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, the U.S.S. Flagg was something everyone had heard about but no one had seen. Most toy stores wouldn't even carry the damn thing because they didn't have the shelf or warehouse space to keep it. The U.S.S. Flagg was a thing of great mystery, a decadent mirage of hope floating just below the horizon of possibility, a zeitgeist for the era we called home. . .

. . . The U.S.S. Flagg Aircraft Carrier playset was roughly the size of Shaquille O'Neal. Coming in at 7½ feet long, 3½ feet tall, and 2½ feet, the size of the U.S.S. Flagg was simply ridiculous. The thing was so big that if you gave it to your average kid, he'd have to choose between either it or his bed to remain in his room. That'd be a pretty easy choice, though - sleep on the Flagg all night, play on the Flagg all day. . .

click to enlarge

Just Can't Get Enough covers plenty more of your favorite toys and whatnot of yesteryear, from Pogo Balls to Garbage Pail Kids, with hilarious descriptions and personal anecdotes from the authors (trust me, if you grew up with this stuff, you will laugh, particularly the sections on He-Man, the Ewok Village and M.A.S.K.).

Again, I recommend it, you can probably get it wherever hilarious books are sold, as well as on Amazon here.

How Rather should've gone out

Peter Finch's famous monologue from the 1976 film Network:

Wouldn't it have been awesome if that was how Dan Rather or Tom Brokaw went out on their last brodcasts? Can't you see Brokaw doing that bit? "...on NBC Nightly News in-depth tonight, tha fleece-heeng of Ahmurhicah: I'm as mad as heuwhll, and I'm not goh 'acheit an'mohr."

I hope this is a recurring theme over the next few months. Democrats and Republicans, get mad as hell. Vote Ron Paul.

Fukudome!

That's pronounced "foo-koo-doe-mee"

from Cubs.com:

Hillman impressed by Fukudome

Outfielder could be good fit for Cubs if he leaves Japan

Well, maybe something good will come of this possibility for my beloved Cubs, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I really just needed an excuse to say his name, because it provides a nice segue to discuss my feelings on the political going-on's in Birmingham these days. His names says it all.

My dad used to have an expression he'd say when he would approach traffic that was standing still: "Alright, somebody do something, even if it's wrong..." As it turns out, that catchphrase has become the core policy for our Mayor. "Let's do something" was the slogan that garnered him the very slight majority of votes last month. Well, what the slogan means is actually more akin to my dad's old advice for traffic congestion - "Let's do something - it doesn't matter if it's wrong..."

Punditry by the Pint has assessed the situation and I couldn't agree more. I recommend it, read it here...

Punish the person, not the whiskey

I don't drink, and I could really care less about the fate of this possibly illegally obtained whiskey, estimated at $1 Million. I just thought that the quote below from an "outraged" whiskey fan was priceless. Bless his Canadian heart...

Vintage Whiskey May Be Poured Out
Law Requires Officials Destroy Whiskey That Cannot Be Sold Legally
from WSMV Channel 4 Nashville

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- Here's a sobering thought: Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, some of it almost 100 years old, may be unceremoniously poured down a drain because authorities suspect it was being sold by someone without a license.

Officials seized 2,400 bottles late last month during warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, the southern Tennessee town where the whiskey is distilled.

"Punish the person, not the whiskey," said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. "Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent."

Investigators are also looking into whether some of the bottles had been stolen from the distillery. No one has been arrested.

Authorities are still determining how much of the liquor will be disposed of, and how much can be sold at auction.

Tennessee law requires officials to destroy whiskey that cannot be sold legally in the state, such as bottles designed for sale overseas and those with broken seals.

"We'd pour it out," said Danielle Elks, executive director of the Tennessee Alcoholic Beverage Commission.

The estimated value of the liquor is $1 million, possibly driven up by the value of the antique bottles, which range from 3-liter bottles to half-pints.

One seized bottle dates to 1914, with its seal unbroken. Elks said it is worth $10,000 on the collectors market. Investigators are looking into whether the liquor was being sold for the value of the bottles rather than the whiskey.

"Someone was making a great deal of profit," she said.

Tennessee whiskeys age in charred white oak barrels, but the maturing process that gives them character mostly stops when it is bottled. A bottled whiskey can deteriorate over a long period of time, especially if it is opened or exposed to sunlight and heat.

Christopher Carlsson, a spirits connoisseur and collector in Rochester, N.Y., said old vintages of whiskey in their original containers are highly prized.

"A lot of these bottles are priceless," he said. "It's like having a rare painting. It's heavily collected."

The raids, prompted by a tip, were conducted at two warehouses and a home in Lynchburg, about 65 miles southeast of Nashville. Another raid was at a Nashville hotel room where drinks were being served and bottles were being sold.

For now, the whiskey is being stored in a Nashville vault.

Elks acknowledged that pouring out the whiskey would not be a happy hour for her.

"It'd kill me," she said.

Semi-Tough? More like Semi-Turd...

Alright, Briefcase fans, it's been a while since I've blogged, and finally, à la Holden McNeil, I have something personal to say.

I watched a movie last night, and I'm quite certain it is now the reigning champion of movie turdburgers: Semi-Tough.

Released the same year as the first Bandit, it is probably Burt Reynolds' worst movie. And I say that having seen part of City Heat and all of Cop & a Half.

In addition to the poorly wigged, legendary - and dare I say genial (for Thomas) - Burt Reynolds, it has Kris Kristofferson, Robert Preston, Roger E. Mosley ("TC" from Magnum, P.I.), Carl Weathers, Brian Dennehy, and Bert Convy - that's right, I said BERT CONVY! So I'm thinking that this looks like Smokey & the Bandit meets Slap-Shot meets North Dallas Forty, right? Wrong.

I can't believe I sat through most of it, save the part where I went to the bathroom. I don't know why I kept watching. Maybe it's because there is nothing good on TV these days. Maybe it was because Convy is so danged good-looking. Perhaps I missed the key element of the story when I was in the john. The majority of the movie seemed to be a parody of/stab at the "est" seminars. If you didn't live in the 70's or if you haven't seen VH1's "I Love the 70's," you won't get it. Anywho, remember: that's Semi-Tough. Avoid it like the plague. I still think Burt Reynolds is great, though.

(The late Bert Convy was a perfectly-perm-headed
character actor, occasional member of the
Reynolds-movie-cast-entourage [Cannonball Run], and,
most notably, the host of TV's Win, Lose or Draw!)

A penchant for geology, nostalgia, and romance

Well, I was thinking of writing something about the Red Mountain Museum, inspired by this week's Birmingham Weekly cover story. Weekly staff writer Molly Folse presents a good article that chronicles the life of the one-time staple of annual elementary school field trips, you should pick up a copy of this week's issue. It's free.

I was going to say something about how the Museum closed with the advent of the McWane Center in 1998, and how anyone who went to elementary school at any point from 1977 until then can tell you all about the Discovery Place and the Red Mountain Museum. I was going to say something about how the Museum was a fabulous byproduct of cutting into Red Mountain for the Expressway, as they found all kinds of fossils and geological whatnot, how I still have a huge fossil rock from the Museum, and also how all of the Museum's artifacts are owned by the McWane Center, yet they have been exiled in storage for the past ten years.

But no, I can't think of any of that now, because I am really intrigued by this entry on "The Backboard" classified section on the last page of the Weekly:

I guess it's good to know that I'm not completely out of options
when it comes to romance. Whoever this is, will not only
provide you with mail-order nuptials, but they'll teach
you her language too. Aww...