Palookaville

It wasn't him, Charley, it was you...

This month, HBO is airing a powerful new documentary entitled Assault in the Ring, in which filmmaker Eric Drath seeks to uncover the truth behind the darkest day in boxing history. On June 16, 1983, Billy Collins, Jr. fought Luis Resto in an undercard bout for the Roberto Duran - Davey Moore fight in Madison Square Garden.

Collins was a highly-touted and undefeated phenom and Resto was a seasoned, yet uninspiring underdog with a 20-7-1 record. Resto dominated Collins in each of the 10 rounds, getting a unanimous decision. Celebration was short lived as Collins' corner quickly discovered that Resto's gloves had been tampered with. Much of the gloves' padding had been removed, prompting an immediate investigation by the boxing authorities and the NY District Attorney.

As for Collins, the severe damage to his eye sustained in the fight allegedly left him unable to box. Without the stabalizing force of a career, Collins' life plunged into a downward spiral that included drinking, drugs and an estrangement from his wife and child. Sadly, Collins died in 1984 when he crashed his car while driving intoxicated.

Ultimately, Resto and his trainer Panama Lewis were not only banned from boxing but also convicted and imprisoned for conspiracy and assault. Upon his release from prison, Luis Resto's life was very much a lonely and difficult life-imitating-art scenario, à la On the Waterfront (see below).

Originally titled "Cornered: A Life in the Ring," Eric Drath initially sets out with his cameras and investigative team to vindicate Resto, who has maintained his innocence for a quarter of a century. As facts and participants are confronted, Assault becomes an amazing journey of truth and redemption. Expertly put together and unapologetically honest, this 80-minute documentary is definitely worth a watch.

It wasn't him, Charley, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palookaville! You was my brother, Charley, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money . . . You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charley.

What democratic eloquence...

Simon Wilder: You asked the question, sir, now let me answer it. The beauty of the Constitution is that it can always be changed. The beauty of the Constitution is that it makes no set law other than faith in the wisdom of ordinary people to govern themselves.
Proffesor Pitkannan: Faith in the wisdom of the people is exactly what makes the Constitution incomplete and crude.

Simon Wilder: Crude? No, sir. Our founding parents were pompous, white, middle-aged farmers, but they were also great men. Because they knew one thing that all great men should know: that they didn't know everything. Sure, they'd make mistakes - but they made sure to leave a way to correct them. The president is not an elected king, no matter how many bombs he can drop - because the "crude" Constitution doesn't trust him. He's just a bum, okay Mr. Pitkannan? He's just a bum.

Happy 233rd, America.

Take those old records off the shelf...

...No, really. Take them off the shelf and play something different for a change.

A recent post on a friend's blog lamenting the lack of quality songs these days brought to mind a musical complaint of our own: ridiculously overplayed songs on classic rock radio.

Now this complaint is by no means exclusively ours. Many music fans express their chagrin over the seemingly abundant airplay of classics such as "Free Bird," "Piano Man," "Brown Eyed Girl," et al., however there are a number of, shall we say um, "lesser" songs out there that are just as abounding.

Let us clarify: while bountiful repetitions of "Free Bird" and the like might get on the nerves of some, we find it hard to complain about those instances, as they are, no doubt, the result of listener requests. Can you imagine how many calls classic rock stations get each day from some good ol' boy requesting some Skynyrd or some middle-aged office toiler with brown eyes asking for some Van Morrison? Irksome as that may be, we dare not challenge this time-honored and democratic tradition. Radio requests are pretty much as American as apple pie.

Our beef is with another category of songs whose radio recurrence is a bit more subtle and a lot harder to understand. These are songs that may not have necessarily been all-out charttoppers, but still recognizable. And for some reason, we find these songs in heavy rotation every day.

Why? Are these other songs cheaper? Do stations not have to pay as much to BMI or whoever for these less popular titles? Or do they just put them on one big, looped playlist and walk away, forcing us to suffer an autopilot DJ?

Who knows? Well here are a few of those songs that prompt us to change the station:

"She's a Beauty"
The Tubes, 1983

You'd know it if you heard it:

...But don't fall in love! (She's a beauty!)
One in a million girls...

Oh, where to begin with this gem? Hmm. Well first of all, the song itself is probably not all that anger-provoking (except that it may sound like it's about guarding the heart, but it may actually be about prostitutes). Having peaked at #10 on the Billboard Hot 100, the redeeming thing about this song is that it just oozes with the 1980's. For some reason it is very evocative of 80's movies like Three Men & a Baby and The Secret of My Success.

Unfortunately, this track seems to appear hourly on both of the major classic rock stations in our area. We suspect it is a similar story in other markets. We aren't exaggerating - hourly. Ridiculous. So why the broadcast overkill? Surely people aren't calling in for this track. There's an almost endless rock & roll library from which to choose. We demand an explanation.

*Furthermore, have you seen the video for this diddy? Granted, it was only two years into the MTV era (the music video artform was still young and evolving), but this vid is nothing short of inappropriate. Although extremely mild by today's standards, we can see why this may not have received a lot of attention from VJ's in '83. For crying out loud, the bass drums on the drumset are painted like boobs! It probably wasn't long after this was made that the Tubes faded back into obscurity. But if they're getting paid every time their song plays on the radio, we're sure they don't mind such obscurity...

"All She Wants To Do Is Dance"
Don Henley, 1984

The popular disdain for the Eagles that began to snowball after "The Dude" whined about them in The Big Lebowski is still going today. We submit that such disdain is definitely not warranted by the Eagles' music in and of itself. Instead, this is a direct result of insane radio overkill. Have you noticed this? This broadcast saturation has ruined the Eagles!

The overkill is not limited to just Eagles tracks, either. The overplaying has unfortunately carried over to their solo projects, and this hit from Don Henley is no exception. If you go out to your car right now and put your radio on "scan," we assure you that you will hear this song within the next fifty-two minutes. Whoever you are out there controlling the playlists (Clear Channel), please, please ease up on the Eagles - they're making enough already off concert ticket prices. Quit forcing them down our ears every hour!

"Insert annoying Rush song title here"
Rush, 1974-85

Rush. We don't get it. We just don't get it. Today, "Freewill" was playing on a local station, and although it is [thankfully] not a victim of radio overplay, it did serve as a reminder of all the other Rush songs that do get played day in and day out. "Freewill" embodies everything that is annoying about a Rush song, from that wannabe progressive-ish sound of synthesized distortion to Geddy Lee's uber-shrill vocals. We get to enjoy those nuisances in wonderful tracks like "Fly By Night," "Limelight" and "Tom Sawyer" - all of which are constantly in heavy, heavy rotation.

The fascination with Rush is something of a pop-culture phenomenon that is just beyond us here at The Briefcase. Generally attributed to older crowds like Stephen Colbert, Jack Black and the creators of the 2009 film I Love You, Man, Rush fandom is difficult to explain. Conan O'Brien has called them "the Canadian Lynyrd Skynyrd," and he couldn't be more right - not because they're classic and great, but because they're on the radio just as much as [but probably more than] the boys from Jacksonville. So please, lineup programmers, please lay off the Rush. Our sanity - and commuter safety across the country - just may depend on it.

"Katmandu"
Bob Seger, 1975

Bob Seger gets enough overplay with "Old Time Rock and Roll" and "Night Moves," do we really have to sit there and take "Katmandu"?? There just can't be anyone calling in hour after hour for this bad boy. It is quite terrible. The gist of the song is a duality: Bob loves America and his record company, but Bob hates working in the land of the free so much that he's got to move to Nepal. Sadly, his misspelling of Kathmandu might indicate that he doesn't know too much about his dream town, and that he just chose it for its number of syllables and rhyming potential (a subject addressed by the previously mentioned DnC post). Ka Ka Ka Ka Ka Ka Katmandu... Really, who wants that in their heads all day? Something has to do be done to stop this auditory travesty.

What classic rock songs do you feel should be taken out of rotation? Feel free to share...

These waves are mine...

The delivery van for sale across the street gave us an idea...



...Anyone wanna loan us a few bucks?

A voice from the past

AMC has been running Lonesome Dove this week. Originally a four-part miniseries on CBS twenty years ago, AMC has condensed it to a two-nighter, and naturally the promos during the commercial break encourage viewers to "come back tomorrow night for the conclusion of..."

That "conclusion" line triggered the old memory marbles and I flashed to the old ABC voiceover voice. Lines like "stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of [insert movie of the week/miniseries here]" started running through my head. I can hear that voice describing programs like Winds of War, War & Remembrance, Lace, and the Swayze classic North and South. Also the announcer for ABC's America's Funniest Home Videos and the preview commercials for the syndicated Star Trek: The Next Generation, that voice always described the ABC movie of the week (usually "The ABC Sunday Night Movie").

Since the early to mid 1980's was an age when cable actually wasn't in every home (and for the homes that had it, there were, at best, around only 30 cable channels), the ABC Sunday Night Movie was always a contender for the points/share. And you can bet that if it was a Bond movie, as it was often the case, I was on the floor right in front of the tube, letting that deep, steady & enthusiastic voice prepare me for the evening's entertainment. So whose voice was that? It was as much of a staple in our lives as that "movie trailer guy" or that PA voice at Disney World (both of whom, by the way, probably also deserve their just attention from the Briefcase).

It was the voice of the late Ernie Anderson. A veteran radio and television personality since WWII, Anderson was also once a comedy partner with the great Tim Conway. His body of work prompted Fred Silverman to make him the official voice of the America Brodcasting Company in the 1970's, a position he held until his death in 1997. His voice can still be hired by radio and television outlets today, as his family has a library of over 500 lines available for broadcast use. Also of note - Anderson had four children, one of whom is none other than director Paul Thomas Anderson (Punch-Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood). Who knew?

Below is one of Anderson's many clips available on YouTube to take you back. Remember that old intro animation? Awesome.

And getting slight off-topic, but after showing that great 80's TV lead-in, we can't help but put this one up from Home Box Office (that's "HBO" to anyone under 30):

Let's do something!

In case you haven't heard, it looks like LaLa is going down. Read "101 Ways to Lose Your Mayor" here. It'll probably take years, but the ball is rolling. Don't blame me, I voted for Bernie.

My quantum of solace

A recent re-viewing of the 2006 James Bond film Casino Royale left me, oh, I don't know, somewhat dispirited perhaps. As a result, this Bond fan isn't as-of-yet excited for Bond 22, currently titled Quantum of Solace. Don't get me wrong, I'll go see it, and I'll be all about it, I just need some time to brood over these winds of change that I didn't even see coming.

What I mean is, Casino was originally billed as a prequel, and rightly so. It was Fleming's first novel and takes place before Dr. No. I was initially very excited and pleased overall with the resulting film (read my initial review here). My initial misgivings (see previous link) were rooted in my belief that it was indeed a prequel. But now I realize, as I should have all along, that it was not a prequel, but rather a complete reboot of the EON Bond Franchise. *Sigh*

It's ok, I guess. But this means that the Bond universe from Dr. No to Die Another Day has come to a close. Now there will be a completely new storyline, not bound by the canon of the first 20 films. This happens in comic books and comic book movies, it shouldn't happen in my favorite spy-novel film series. The late Cubby Broccoli probably wouldn't have done this if he were alive. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. His children run EON now, and they did what they had to do to keep Bond going in this new millennium. I can't fault them too much, too many clever double entendres and invisible cars have been outpaced by a newer breed of action hero movies, à la the Bourne series, et al.

Well, I guess I have until November 7 to warm up to this new saga and chronology of James Bond. I will always have the original 20 films in my heart. Here are just a few things that I like (I certainly have many) from the first-generation Bond films (hereafter referred to as "gen-one"):

7. Bond Fights a Midget

The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

James has had his share of formidable foes over the years, but none were more ferocious (and by ferocious, I mean annoying) than "Nick Nack," loyal personal assistant/henchman/butler to the twisted marksman Scaramanga. Portrayed by the great Hervé Villechaize, Nick Nack stood only only 1.18 meters (3'11").

Why is it every time you've taken down your archenemy and you're all set to make the moves on Britt Ekland aboard a slow boat to China, a midget pops out of nowhere and wants to fight, throwing expensive wine bottles at you? Bond is forced to fight the little bugger, and eventually captures him in a suitcase. Classic. I love midgets!

(By the way, Hervé preferred the term "midget" over "little person.")

6. Jaws' Heart of Gold

Moonraker (1979)

Having been bested by James Bond time and time again, the metal-mouthed muscle-for-hire "Jaws" finally crosses over to the good side when he learns that his boss Hugo Drax was not going to allow Jaws or his new girlfriend Dolly to be a part of the new Earth and probably dispose of him at the earliest possible convenience. Jaws took action and helped Bond and Dr. Goodhead take over Drax's spacestation. After helping Bond escape in Drax's shuttle, Jaws and his love settle down in an air-locked module of the crumbling station to toast their victory and new life together, "Well, here's to us..." As they drifted towards Earth, Bond assured Dr. Goodhead (and the audience) that they new couple would make it safely. Aww...

5. Man goes into cage, cage goes into water...
From Russia With Love (1963)

The evil SPECTRE assasin "Red Grant" in From Russia With Love - the one that tried too hard to come off as British by saying "old man" too much - yeah, that one, well that was legendary screen actor, novelist and playwright Robert Shaw. Yup, that's the cranky old man of the sea in Jaws, way before the years (and alcoholism) caught up to him. I just think that's noteworthy if not cool. I mean, look at him:

4. It's the little things

Subplots, factoids & revelations

Sometimes it's the little things that can add depth to the Bond universe. What I'm talking about are those little, blink-and-you'll-miss-them type things, that for whatever reason expand and shed light on things. Ok, maybe they're not important. But they do give you an edge when it comes to trivia. For instance, did you know Bond was orphaned when his parents died in a tragic climbing accident? (GoldenEye) And didn't you like seeing the inside of Bond's house? (Live and Let Die)

Or, did you know that [the first] M's real name was Vice Admiral Sir Miles Messervy, KCMG? (The Man With the Golden Gun) Or that he spent his free time on his home estate as a Lepidoptera enthusiast? (On Her Majesty's Secret Service) Or that Q has a name too? It's Major Boothroyd. (The Spy Who Loved Me)

And how could we forget the backstory to Octopussy? Bond had to arrest a fallen military hero named Major Dexter Smythe, and Bond gave him time to clear up his affairs. Smythe committed suicide rather than face the disgrace of a court-martial. His daughter Octopussy showed her gratitude by providing protection from the villainous Kamal Khan.

I don't know, I just like little things like that...

3. "I never miss."
Licensed to kill, for Queen and Country's sake

Ok, 007 is a killer, let's not forget that. That's what the double-0 means. But it's not glorious, of course. Double-0's do what they have to do. The safety of the UK and the rest of the free world depend on it. But sometimes, when Bond does his thing (the killing thing, not the fornicating thing), audiences just have to applaud and give some sort of equivalent to a resounding "BOOYAH!" Here are three of my favorites:

Fiona Volpe (Thunderball, 1965): This saucy, redheaded SPECTRE agent thought she was playing Bond, when Bond was really playing her. While dancing with her at the Kiss Kiss Club, he noticed an assassin's gun barrel aimed at him. Bond grabbed his dance partner and shielded himself from the bullet, which pierced Fiona's spine, killing her instantly. Nice work, Jimbo.

Emile Locque (For Your Eyes Only, 1981): This one is noteworthy, in part because this was a Roger Moore kill. The Roger Moore-era was a softer, gentler Bond, whose scripts are marked by more gadgetry from Q-branch, judo-chops and poorly constructed attempts at humor. Rarely did we see Moore just pop a cap in the bad guy without a long conversation first.

But this one was awesome in my book. While Locque was attempting to drive away, Bond shoots him, causing him to spin out, coming to rest on the edge of a cliff. With a stone cold look on his face, Bond approaches the vehicle, gives a short parting word to Locque, tosses the dove pin that Locque was leaving on his victims and kicks the teetering car over the edge. Stone cold, JB, stone cold...

Elektra King (The World is Not Enough, 1999): After playing James for a fool, his villainous former lover finds herself on the working end of Bond's Walther P99. Bond gives her one more opportunity to repent, to which she responds, "You wouldn't kill me, you'd miss me..." But before she can radio her evil comrade Renard - BLAAM!! Bond blows her away, and then tells her corpse, "I never miss."

To borrow a phrase from Snoop: when you dis Bond, you dis yourself.

2. Bond goes to Harlem. Seriously.
Live and Let Die (1973)

The call of duty has taken our gentleman spy to exotic locales the world over. But when an MI6 agent is killed at the UN, Bond is soon on the trail of a mysterious gangster, "Mr. Big."

The search required 007 to actually venture north of 110th Street, as he sought the Fillet of Soul restaurant, owned by Mr. Big. He wasn't exactly inconspicuous, but he got the job done.

1. Snow Angel
On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

Having escaped Blofeld's retreat in the Alps, 007 was making his way through the crowded village, while chief henchwoman Irma Bunt and her thugs chase after him. Closing in on him, Bond seems to have no way out this time. Out of ideas, he found a seat alongside the ice rink, as fear, anxiety and the cold made him feel more isolated than ever. The look of worry on Lazenby's face says it all. There was no way he could win this one alone.

Then, Contessa Teresa di Vencenzo, "Tracy," whom he had been seeing upon the urging of her syndicate-boss father, appears in front of him - a most beautiful and welcome sight. Tracy sees that he's in mortal danger and helps him elude his hunters. The two would later get caught in a blizzard and were forced to take shelter in a remote barn on the outskirts of the village of Mürren. It is here where James decides he will find another line of work, because agents have no room in their life for love. Tracy had rescued him from Blofeld, but also from a life he no longer wanted. Bond proposed that night. His new life had just begun.

In a vein similar to the end of Casino Royale, this small episode of the story does the most to develop and drive the character of James Bond. It made him who he is (see #3 above). If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the movie. OHMSS is certainly not the best Bond film by far, but in my opinion, it is the best story of the series.

By all means, feel free to share your favorite Bond moments with the Briefcase below. See you at the movies on November 7...

"...I love you. I know I'll never find another girl like you. Will you marry me?"

Semi-Tough? More like Semi-Turd...

Alright, Briefcase fans, it's been a while since I've blogged, and finally, à la Holden McNeil, I have something personal to say.

I watched a movie last night, and I'm quite certain it is now the reigning champion of movie turdburgers: Semi-Tough.

Released the same year as the first Bandit, it is probably Burt Reynolds' worst movie. And I say that having seen part of City Heat and all of Cop & a Half.

In addition to the poorly wigged, legendary - and dare I say genial (for Thomas) - Burt Reynolds, it has Kris Kristofferson, Robert Preston, Roger E. Mosley ("TC" from Magnum, P.I.), Carl Weathers, Brian Dennehy, and Bert Convy - that's right, I said BERT CONVY! So I'm thinking that this looks like Smokey & the Bandit meets Slap-Shot meets North Dallas Forty, right? Wrong.

I can't believe I sat through most of it, save the part where I went to the bathroom. I don't know why I kept watching. Maybe it's because there is nothing good on TV these days. Maybe it was because Convy is so danged good-looking. Perhaps I missed the key element of the story when I was in the john. The majority of the movie seemed to be a parody of/stab at the "est" seminars. If you didn't live in the 70's or if you haven't seen VH1's "I Love the 70's," you won't get it. Anywho, remember: that's Semi-Tough. Avoid it like the plague. I still think Burt Reynolds is great, though.

(The late Bert Convy was a perfectly-perm-headed
character actor, occasional member of the
Reynolds-movie-cast-entourage [Cannonball Run], and,
most notably, the host of TV's Win, Lose or Draw!)

He's got my vote

Here's what happens when you call State Senator Bishop a homo:

Actually, Republician Senator Charles Bishop punched Democratic Senator Lowell Barron in the head during the last day of the senate session. Bishop says he punched Barron after he called him a "son of a b*."

**Addendum:
According to some fellow senators on tonight's local newscasts, it went down like this: after failing to reach an agreement on something, Barron allegedly said to Bishop "You better watch your back over the next three years, because I'll be there to [expletive deleted] you every chance I get." For some reason that set Bishop off.

I can't believe Rock Hudson was gay, I mean, women loved him...

Despite this very telling film title, no one saw it coming.

The above picture is from Eastwood Mall in 1965. The Eastwood Theatre was originally a one-screen house with original Cinerama capabilities. The original Cinerama technology was an anamorphic 70mm (shooting movies with 3 cameras), and consequently, presented by 3 projectors. "How the West Was Won" is probably the most famous of the ten films shot on the original 3-camera format.

Eastwood in '65 and '04.

There were 2 Cinerama theatres in B'ham, the other was at The Ritz. Well, it was HUGE curved screen, but eventually the auditorium was converted into two, and it became the Eastwood Twin. I remember seeing movies like Song of the South and E.T. here. *tear* Joined later by the Village East Twin across the street, both theatres would be closed with the opening of the Festival up the street in 1989 (for more dead movie houses, check out B'ham Wiki). Village East became [a now defunct] OfficeMax and Eastwood became office space, but was recently torn down with the rest of the mall, to help further the GNP of the People's Republic of China (by building a Wal-Mart).

Learn more about cinerama at

http://www.cineramaadventure.com/ and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinerama

Learn more about Eastwood Mall at

http://www.birminghamrewound.com/

http://www.deadmalls.com/

Hey Sparta, Persia just called you a ...

Caution: spoilers ahead

I'd have to say I really enjoyed Frank Miller's 300. A fictionalized version of the Battle of Thermopylae, this movie provides lots of good ol' fashioned fightin' and killin'. If you like that, then this movie is for you. Just don't make the mistake my sister made by getting too attached to "the 300." (Shhh, they don't make it. Sorry to ruin it for you.) But like I said, it's good. It's Sin City meets Gladiator. However it's not the first movie to tackle this subject matter. The theme: brave and noble Spartans defend democracy & liberty for all of Greece and mankind.

I do love how the Spartans were so noble and concerned with protecting the cause of liberty, it was inspiring. They believed in all kinds of liberty, like pederasty. The also believed in reproductive liberty, as they had their own system of abortion, only they waited until after the child is born. Darwinism in action, kill the lesser babies, let the surviving children take their chances with ravenous wolves - only the strong, baby! Noble people, just trying to advance the human race, that's all. The Nazis thought they were advancing the human race, too. My point: don't let them get you to romanticize Sparta too much.

The truth of the matter is that the Spartans just plain loved to kick ace and take names (whilst sporting a cape & some underoos). That's right, Persia! We came here to practice democracy and whoop some ace - looks like we're almost out of democracy... The Spartans were like the crazy loose cannon of Greek city-states - like that one guy in your fraternity that always got in a fight. You always knew that no matter what, if he went out with the rest of you, he was going to find him self in some sh-, er, um, some stuff, even if it was going to be with someone at your table. Everybody was unsure of what he was gonna do, and no one wanted to man up to him, so everyone just catered to his incessant yelling and demanding - tell him, "Yeah, you're right, that bouncer's scared, man, I agree...No, I hear you, yeah I know you can fight, that's right, we got your back, dude, you're the man," until he's drunk enough so you can talk him into taking a cab.

But, no matter how annoying he was to deal with, with all the drama and whatnot, when it came down to it, you were glad he was on your side, because he could, in fact, take care of business. That's the way the rest of the city-states felt. They didn't like dealing with Sparta, because they all knew they certainly couldn't tell them what to do, so they were all like "Yeah, Sparta, you're the man, Sparta...let's go talk to some ladies, we can fight tomorrow, yes, I know, we're gonna tear 'em up..."

But as soon as Xerxes comes to town, you'd better believe they're all like "Hey Sparta - Persia just called you gay!" Then Sparta slams his pool cue and shatters the big mirror behind the bar and it is on...

But getting back to the movie, it was very well done. Good battle scenes and very good CG visuals. Superb performances by the cast. Faramir was a good narrator. Xerxes looked like that dude from The Crying Game on steroids. Be wary of the guitarist from Steel Dragon.

The cast might make you a little self-conscious, as I heard my friend remark with an apprehensive grimace - only five minutes in to the film, "I need to go work out." I probably should also mention that this might not be the best one for mixed company, definitely a guy flick. It might be a little dicy, as the filmmakers wanted to be historically accurate, so the king had to roam his palatial balcony au naturel. At least Leonidas had his beard to keep him warm. Also it might get a little awkward when you see Gorgo's goods in a ten-second scene of some royal consummating. Probably not one for a first date. Might want to wait until one of those Neat Flicks video companies can provide an edited-for-the-family version...

I think that the lesson we should all take away from this film is the one "the 300" learned all too late: if a deformed baby (who makes John Merrick look like Brad Pitt) that was not discarded on the slopes of Mount Taygetos, grows up and comes back to you all retard-strong and wants to help, let him.

But after it was over, I was pretty amped, I had the urge to do some fightin' and killin', just like after watching Tombstone or Boyz 'n the Hood or Steel Magnolias. Definitely the mark of a good movie, two thumbs up.

"I think he converted just for the jokes..."

Maybe I'm johnny-come-lately on this one, but I've recently learned about actor/comedian/UFC commentator/martial artist/reality-gameshow-host Joe Rogan's crusade to protect comedy against joke theft. Apparently, Rogan is fed up with the "joke thieves" out there, and they are ruining comedy by denying the pure comics [like himself] their right to stardom. His biggest beefs of late are with Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. This has all the earmarks of great fodder for that dude that hosts E!'s The Soup.

Rogan's problem with Mencia begins with the fact that Mencia (whose real first name is Ned) changed his moniker and adopted the surname of his mother for his act, to sound more "Mexican." Rogan also asserts that Carlos is reportedly half-Honduran and half-German. Carlos' unbiased and gospel-truth IMDB.com bio asserts that he is half-Mexican and half-Honduran and that he was raised by his Mexican aunt & uncle in East L.A., whose names are also Mencia.

Rogan has spent a lot of effort to expose Mencia, or "Menstealia," as he so cleverly calls him, for plagiarizing numerous comedians from Paul Mooney to Jeff Foxworthy. In February, while performing stand-up, he referred to "Menstealia" knowing that Mencia was in the audience. Mencia immediately went up to defend himself. A pretty gutsy move, I'd say, since the audience was clearly on Rogan's side and that Rogan, aside from being freaking shredded, is also an accomplished martial artist. Watch the video - Rogan's all up in his grill. He could stinkin' whip some tail, well, I digress.

One joke in question was the one about getting illegal immigrants to build the proposed border-wall, and then locking them out. You know, original material - straight from Lou Dobbs. Anywho, another comedian, Ari Shaffir, was present to aid Rogan, claiming that he [Shaffir] wrote that joke and that Mencia started using it after Shaffir appeared as Mencia's opening act. Mencia said he'd been telling that joke long before Shaffir. George Lopez went on Stern with similar accusations. Mencia says that Rogan is just jealous of his success and that Lopez doesn't want any competition from other Hispanic/Latino comedians. Juicy.

Rogan has also come to the defense of comedian Louis C.K., alleging that Dane Cook has ripped off several jokes from him covering topics from itchy behinds to child naming. YouTube audio files show the similarity in the acts but don't establish who said what joke first. The funny thing is, at least for the baby-naming-bit, that Steve Martin did that routine 30 years ago.

Rogan vs. the hacks, this is almost as great as the infamous "Rip Taylor - Paul Lynde slap-fight of 1976."

Just Google, YouTube, or Wikipedia it for the latest updates on the sordid saga. But to get to my point - the fact is that no matter how right he may be, Rogan just hasn't been funny since NewsRadio. Rogan's indignant routine lost me after he said anyone who enjoys Mencia's act is "stupid". I don't know, it seems like this crusade is conveniently getting him noticed again. Fear Factor is over - and just how much can one make by color-commentating at the octagon? I might add too, [IMO] that Louis C.K., Dane Cook, George Lopez, and "Ned" Mencia are all scarcely amusing themselves. Here's a newsflash, geniuses: most comedy is hacked. There is nothing new under the sun. If it's funny, chances are that someone came up with it long before you did.

For further enjoyment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsq1uTLBHBc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnr67Giq-LE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JruD1mkW5Ds

(Oh yeah, that "Rip Taylor-Paul Lynde" line, I read that a long time ago in an internet message board thread on a Dane Cook - Larry the Cable Guy feud. I don't care, I'm taking it. And kudos to you if you get that reference, or the Lou Dobbs remark, or the title of this blog, without having to look it up...)

A nod from NewsAskew

In an email to the guy from ViewAskew.com last week, I shared with him my Focus Factor picture of Walt Flannagan. He enjoyed it and gave me a mention in the Feb. 11 entry on their website's news page. Hooray for me and my clever observation.

(click to enlarge)

Has anybody seen Tim’s tambourine?

Growing up fat, one catches a lot of television. A lot. Some programs, which could easily be passed over to the casual viewer, don’t escape the attention of those passionately devoted to the ‘tube. If it was on, chances are I caught it – even if the quality of its storyline & production value don’t merit any critical commendation. One program that will never leave my memory is the 1986 television adaptation of the Jill Murphy children’s book, The Worst Witch. Originally produced for U.K. television, The Worst Witch enjoyed substantial airplay on HBO in the 80’s.

Now, this was more of my little sister’s kind of program. The story is about a young student at a witch academy who must endure the ostracization of schoolmates and the distrust of the school faculty. Learning to be a witch and coping with adolescence can be so trying. Mmm, the precursor to Potter?? I wonder if Murphy’s lawyers (or solicitors or barristers or whatever) had anything to say about Rowling’s success. But I digress.

Well, to tell you the truth, it’s not really good. In fact, it’s quite bad. But before I sell you on never seeing it, I should share with you its positives. First, Charlotte Rae. That’s right, Mrs. Edna Garrett herself. I keep waiting for Mrs. G. to call out for Tootie or little Arnold Jackson-Drummond. Rae is so classic in everything, including her recent comments in the press, throwing down the gauntlet to Joan Collins. She may be going senile, but she will live on through Family Guy references.

Also, Witch features Dame Diana Rigg (The Avengers, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, The Great Muppet Caper). Like conservative pundit Tammy Bruce, I have a thing for Emma Peel. I guess I was born 40 years too late. Interestingly, the lead role is supplied by a young Fairuza Balk (Waterboy, American History X), as a harbinger of her breakout role in The Craft ten years later.

Anywho, to get to my point, the show-stealer is legendary Tim Curry, who plays the quasi-Dumbledore-ish “Grand Wizard.” The G.W. is revered by the witch community, who has accorded him rock-star status. When he arrives for Halloween, he breaks into song for all of the young witches. Now this is quite possibly the greatest thing to be shown on Home Box Office in the 80’s (next to Fraggle Rock and Video Jukebox). Really, this is the only part of the movie you need to see. Just watch below and don’t bother with the rest.

But this got me thinking - What all has Tim done? Let’s see, there was Dr. Frankenfurter, of course - the role he created and is immortalized for (although I don’t really get the fascination with Rocky Horror), plenty of theatre work, and there are countless voice-over parts in animated features and shows. But everything else is supporting/character roles. I mean this guy is British for crying out loud (that’s significant, because, to quote Kevin Smith, “the Brits invented acting”).

He’s been nominated for Tony’s, Emmy’s, a Razzie, and he’s actually won a Daytime Emmy. I think he’s a fine actor, if not a great one. He’s the reason behind many people’s fear of clowns, as he brought to life the evil Pennywise in the television adaptation of Stephen King’s IT. But to think he’ll never win an Oscar, it’s kinda sad – like sad in the way that Raul Julia's film legacy ended with Street Fighter. I think Curry is far better than just another character actor. See below to see why. No, scratch that - watch IT to see why. Watch the video below to see cheesy 80's British television.

Here: be David Caruso in Jade...

Well, CSI: Miami is now dominating the syndication circuit. Like what David Wolf did to the Perry Mason/Dragnet genres with all of his fifteen Law & Order's, the CSI creators (Bruckheimer & co.) are doing the same to the Quincy, M.E.- style crime genre: milking it for everything it's worth. I'm just waiting for CSI: Birmingham starring Dennis Franz to start production.

So what makes tha 'Miami different from its counterparts, you ask? Well, apparently Miami has a permanent Simpson/Bruckheimer lens filter which makes the city orange all day long, all year 'round. Also, this show is superior right off the bat, as "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who is the show's theme song. But most importantly, Miami has Horatio Caine, played by David Caruso.

Caruso has made this show my new guilty pleasure (move over, Rocky Balboa). It's nothing but pure cheeseball goodness, as Caruso's superior acting constantly delivers great one-liners (usually puns) in his pursuit of the bad guys, each one accompanied by a dramatic removal-slash-donning of his sunglasses.

Caruso's thespianic resources are exhausted in each episode, including his signature pose (standing w/ hands on his hips, with one hip cocked forward and blazer blowing in the wind like a superhero's cape) and his standard "begin-the-line-looking-away-then-finishing-it-as he-moves-his-eyes-toward-you-followed
-by-the-rest-of-his-head" move.

I encourage you to watch it, as the captivating story lines always have Caruso/Caine leading his band of Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew’s, defeating the bad guys with DNA evidence. Turn on your TV now, chances are it's on at least one channel. Here's a sample of all the cheeseball glory that is David Caruso: