Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

from the Associated Press, June 26, 2008:

DMV Offers 10,000 Replacement
License Plates

"...Officials learned last year the common acronym stands for a vulgar
phrase in e-mail and cell phone text messages..."
Read the story here.

Bathroom on the right

You gotta appreciate misheard lyrics, I know I do. We all know the universal classics, like Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Bad Moon Rising" (...There's a bathroom on the right...) or R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion" (...Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight...). There's probably countless sites out there like this one or this one that celebrate this phenomenon. Check them out if you have nothing better to do.

But I would imagine that many folks might have their own unique collection of alternate lyrics. There's a handful that I've had over the years, so here they are. Feel free to share yours as well:

"Rock the Casbah"
The Clash (1982)

I (like many others) really had no idea what they were talking about in this one, but the best I could figure (in my early passing attempts at hearing the song) was that it was about some British dudes going to a king's wedding or something and finding that the bar was not an open one. And so, being the punk rockers they were, they had to rock the cash bar instead ("bar" being sung with an English accented "bah"). My hearing's much better now.

As it turns out, this 1982 gem was inspired by the banning of rock music in Iran by the Ayatollah Khomeini. A "qasbah" is any fortified city found in Islamic countries. And qasbahs can always use a good rocking.

"Every Time You Go Away"
Paul Young (1985)

I wish Hall & Oates would've
recorded the Diarrhea Song...

Ok, well, this one is not really a misheard one. It's an intentionally mis-sung one. But when I sang "Every time you go away, you take a piece of cake with you" in front of my 3rd grade chums, I was a hit. In the minds of my 8 year-old comrades, this was the funniest thing they'd heard since the "Diarrhea Song." And ever since, I've sang along in my head with a piece of cake, instead of a piece of Paul Young.

An interesting side note to this one: Daryl Hall wrote this song.

"Dancing in the Dark"
Bruce Springsteen (1984)

Cox's dancing defined the 1980's

Another intentional one here, but it has stuck over the years. Sometimes songs get stuck in my head and I sing them over and over until the lyrics change. Eventually the song I was singing proclaimed that "ya can't start a fire - ya can't start a fire without a shark..."

Luckily, my sister heard me sing this one and she thought it was awesome. Man, I was a comic genius.

Later on, I would have the good fortune of having a college roommate who also shared a predilection for intentionally/unintentionally mixing up the lyrics. Yea for nerds...

"Soothe Me"
Sam & Dave (1967)

This classic song was featured in the 1980 film The Blues Brothers, while Jake and Elwood are cruising along with a Sam & Dave tape playing on the 8-track. As the song is playing under the film dialogue, it was kinda hard to make out. But as a youngster, I heard "Do me, baby, do me! Do me with your tire!" The actual line is "Soothe me, baby, soothe me! Soothe me with your kindness."

"Just the Two of Us"
Grover Washington, Jr. featuring Bill Withers (1981)

The Marcing Tuba,
or "Sousaphone":
one sexy horn...

Well, I guess my hearing and/or my attention span was severely inadequate when I was younger, because this one had me for the longest time. This one is my all-time best misheard lyric (and apparently I'm not the only one). For the longest time, I literally thought this song was about a tuba.

I always wondered why Bill was singing about his tuba. And that sax solo, I assumed that sound was a tuba - I didn't know what a tuba sounded like. I really thought it went "Just the tuba, we can make it if we try . . . just the tuba, you and I..." It made me wonder if there was something magical about the tuba that could heal/spice up any relationship.

This song was also featured in chewing gum commercials (cinnamon Dentyne, I think), and so I was confused - can you even play the tuba while chewing gum?

Dentyne + the Tuba = bau baum

I don't remember how old I was when I realized the real lyrics (possibly high school, possibly later), but I can distinctly remember that at some point it clicked, and being blown away by how logical it now was. And in the end I would prefer it being about a tuba. The tuba just isn't as mysterious anymore...

At least they're trying...

From The Birmingham News:

University of Alabama at Birmingham unveiled a new, three-ton, smoke-breathing statue of Blaze, the UAB mascot, today at 1:30 p.m. outside Bartow Arena.

The statue was envisioned by the 16-member Commission on UAB Traditions, which researches and studies traditions that could be adopted by the university community, and it was commissioned by the UAB National Alumni Society.

But, I mean, doesn't it look kind of cartoonish? It is very evocative of Elliot from Pete's Dragon. Don't get me wrong, UAB has come a long way since the early Bartow days, when, if memory serves, the UAB athletic logo was just a sideways chevron-looking shape that was, presumably, supposed to embody motion (said motion came from trail-blazing, which was the original connotation of the term Blazer, I believe).

But back to "Blaze," couldn't he have been made to look a little more serious, maybe a darker green, or actually fire-breathing nostrils - how awesome would that be, walking up to Bartow for a game and seeing flames shoot out at you?! If they were going to go Disney, they could have at least gone with Malecifent from Sleeping Beauty, right?


Or even better, what about Draco from Universal's 1996 film Dragonheart? Every time fans passed by, they would hear Sean Connery's voice saying "I am the laszht one!" or "To the shtarzh, Bowen!"

Oh well. At least it's not Bruce Leroy from Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon:

Dykstra spelled backwards is Artskyd

Today is the 10th anniversary of Harry Caray's death. Check out HomeRunDerby's article on Harry. Growing up in the 80's, when there were only 30 cable channels, exposure to the Cubs was easy via Chicago's Own: WGN Channel 9. I mean we were all watching "The Grand Prize Game" on The Bozo Show anyway. If you didn't have to turn the station so your sister could watch Nickelodeon, you were probably going to catch a Cubs game or two. You couldn't even get through a commercial break without hearing Caray's Budweiser commercials.

Movies like The Blues Brothers and Ferris Bueller's Day Off were responsible for putting Chicago and Wrigley imagery in my mind. I mean the whole world knows Wrigley Field's address, doesn't it? (1060 W. Addison) Combined with the facts that the Bears were my favorite team in the 80's and that the Barons have been the White Sox's AA farm team since circa '85, I've always had Chicago on my mind.

But I didn't really begin to immerse myself into Cub Nation until I met my first college roommate. Let's just call him "Archie." Well, Archie loves the Cubbies, and slowly but surely, he got me hooked. All those lazy college afternoons watching WGN on a 13" T.V. in the dorm, hearing Harry Caray slobbering on about players' names and pointing out all the fans' signage, all the while imagining Steve Stone carefully monitoring the number of Budweisers being consumed. Because even a newcomer to Cubs broadcasts will quickly learn that "not only is Harry a Cub fan, he's a Bud Man."

All of Harry's quirks, spitting out great names like Gary Gaetti, Andres Galarraga, Jason Isringhausen, Scott Servais, and even [by the 5th inning] Mark Grace, quickly grew on me. He loved to randomly pronounce players' names backwards. "Holy Cow" was his trademark catchphrase, no matter who else used it. Concerning it, he said this: "I started in broadcasting in 1945 doing the Cardinals and saying ‘Holy Cow.’ [Legendary NY Yankee] Rizzuto was just a shortstop. ‘Holy Cow’ is mine."

He died before the season in 1998, missing seeing the Cubs get the NL Wild Card after a one-game playoff with the Giants. It seemed fitting, Harry's passing, 90 years since the last WS - really thought for a half-second there that it could happen. Then I would really join Cub Nation when I would feel the heartache in the Divisional Playoffs that year - losing to the stinkin' Braves. The Cubs heartache and joy have only increased each year since. If only he could still be here to present it to us.

The Rocket's Code Red

Speaking of Congressman Waxman & the Rocket (see below), the PintPundit has brought to my attention this humorous take on last week's exchanges on Capitol Hill, via author David Harsanyi's blog:

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I think I’m entitled to them.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I want the truth!

Clemens: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mister Waxman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, probably sells tickets. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells tickets.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties - you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastball, slider, splitfinger - we use these words as the backbone of a life spent playing a sport. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the very SportsCenter clips that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide them! I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and take a swing. Either way, I don’t give a [darn] what you think you’re entitled to!

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: I did the job you sent me to do-

Congressman: DID YOU ORDER THE HGH?

Clemens: YOU'RE [DAGGUM] RIGHT I DID!!

Who knew ice could go bad?

Countdown: this ice could become deadly in 22 months.

Did you know that ice has an expiration date? Well, it does. So please, don't become another statistic. Pay attention to your ice's expiration date, your life may just depend on it.

Tuna With a Heart

So I'm flipping through the telley this morning trying to find a channel that wasn't blathering about the Clemens hearing and I saw this guy named Congressman Waxman yipping on about who knows what. Then it hits me, he was the president of Schooner Tuna in 1983's Mr. Mom! Remember the "Tuna With a Heart"?

Howard Humphries or the distinguished gentleman from California?

The fellow in the left two images is the late Canadian character actor Graham Jarvis. Jarvis was best known for his steady work as a character actor on many, many television shows over the years, including the short-lived soap opera parody Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. More recently he portrayed one of the grandfathers on 7th Heaven (the other was the great Peter Graves). Unfortunately Jarvis lost his battle with multiple myeloma in 2003, passing away at age 72.

Anywho, I just figured I'd share a look-alike (albeit an obscure one) for my first blawg of aught eight. Enjoy. Feel free to scroll through all my past doppelganging fun here.

Holiday Lament

You know, the holiday season gets on my nerves. I love Christmas and Hanukkah, but I prefer to wait until at least after Thanksgiving to celebrate them. But this year, as soon as Halloween was over - bam! Wal-Mart is jam-packed with those tacky inflatable blow up yard decoration thingy's. No lie - I was in Wal-Mart on November 11 and what do I hear? Karen Carpenter crooning out either "The Christmas Song" or "Merry Christmas, Darling." On November 11!!! Nothing makes my skin crawl like hearing Karen make that "oo" sound when she belts out the line "...from one tew ninety-tew..."

But that's how it usually goes, something like that (or TBS playing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation four times a week starting after Veteran's Day) gets me hacked and it's really hard to get in the mood for Christmas. And by the time it's proper (in my estimation) to begin the Xmas festivities, we're (or at least I'm) kinda burned out. But then Christmas finally arrives, and then, like Keyser Söze - whew! It's gone.

The feeling of brevity doesn't really hit me until the decorations start going down. In particular, I will miss the storefront window painting at places like grocery stores. You know what I'm talking about, that green, red & white shoe-polish-type-paint used to say "Season's Greetings" in cursive and to make little leaves of holly. In the drive-thru at Milo's today, I found myself admiring the perfect cursive and the very good holly drawn (or stenciled) on the window. Then I quasi-sighed at the thought: "that'll be taken off tomorrow."

Regions Center in November 2005.
Photo from balaji shankar's flickr set.
Licensed under Creative Commons,
some rights reserved.

But the thing I really lament is when the special lighting on the First National building is taken down.

"During the Christmas season colored fluorescent bulbs are illuminated in each panel of the glass curtain wall, creating an enormous lit graphical display visible on the skyline from well outside the city.

The tradition began in 1972 with the display featuring Christmas trees and NOEL being spelled out along the building facade. In 1975, NOEL was replaced with JOY. Later a stocking and wreath were added to the display giving each face a different design. Currently, the east and west sides are Christmas trees, the south a wreath, and the north a stocking."

The building has had other lighting displays too, including the Olympic rings for the 1996 games, and American flags for the Bicentennial in '76 and the return of our troops from Operation Desert Storm in the early 90's. (from B'hamWiki)

So NYC's Rockefeller Center has a tree, big deal. We have our Regions Center. I've always been a fan, Downtown wouldn't be Downtown without it (I felt the same way about the green/red light on Vulcan's torch, too *sigh*). I think that they should do something with the lights more often than just Christmas (power bills & energy crisis be darned). But for now, I will try to enjoy these last remaining hours I have with the Christmas display. See you next year, Regions Center.

Regions Center in December 2006.
Photo by Dystopos. Licensed under Creative Commons, some rights reserved.